


A Little Fall of Rain

by Mads_Winchester_Novak



Series: Destiel One-Shots [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: A Little Fall of Rain, Angry Dean Winchester, Angry Sam Winchester, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Based on a Broadway song, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel doesn't think he is loved, Castiel thinks he is worthless, Castiel thinks he's a burden, Crying Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Searches For Castiel, Depressed Castiel (Supernatural), Dying Castiel, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Heavy Angst, Hurt Castiel, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Protective Castiel, Sad, Sad Ending, Sick Castiel, Songfic, Spells & Enchantments, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Wings, Worried Dean Winchester, Worried Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 01:58:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16944819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mads_Winchester_Novak/pseuds/Mads_Winchester_Novak
Summary: Castiel must decide between saving his own life or the life of Sam and Dean when a demon corners him. Of course, he chooses to die for the Winchesters. When he sees the brothers again, he decides not to tell them that he is dying, because he thinks they will be mad at him. But, he's not doing a very good job hiding that fact that he is dying a very slow and agonizing death.Song-fic based on a song in Les Miserables, Little Fall of Rain.Please read the tags!Suicide Warning!





	A Little Fall of Rain

**Author's Note:**

> Every time I hear the song "Little Fall of Rain" from Les Miserables, I always cry. One day i thought it would be a good idea to write a destiel story based on the tragedy of Eponine and Marius. 
> 
> I'm sorry... I'm so, so sorry...

Castiel was sitting in the park, watching humanity, when he saw him. The man Castiel was looking at flashed his eyes black and walked away. Castiel stood up and followed the demon to an alley way. When the angel turned the corner, he was quickly punched in the face. His angel blade fell from his sleeve as he prepared to fight the demon. The demon, however, just stood there. He had no weapon, and seemed harmless. 

“What do you want, demon?” Castiel’s deep voice penetrated the silence of the alleyway.

The demon smirked. “The Winchesters.” 

“You are not getting anywhere near the Winchesters!”

The demon stood in place as Castiel moved forward. “Well then, let’s make a deal then? I love a good deal. Either you tell me where the Winchesters are, and I will leave you alone, and whatever harm you inflict upon me will be inflicted upon them, or I could kill you.” The demon smiled, showing his jagged teeth.

“I will make no deals with a demon!” Castiel said sternly.

“Ok, fine, I lied. There is currently twelve demons surrounding your precious little Winchesters. They have been told not to act unless I say the magic word. So, you either die, or they die. That is your choice.” 

“You’re lying. You don’t even know where the Winchesters are!” Castiel said, raising his voice.

“No, Castiel. I am not lying. Currently the Winchesters are in Sioux Falls for their hunter friend Bobby’s memorial. They decided to take a week off from hunting for this trip, and you are not needed, so you spend your time here, in the great state of Virginia, until their little trip is up and they need you.” The demon explained.

Castiel widened his eyes. The demon was right. Bobby had died years ago, so they decided to take a vacation and head to his home to remember him. Tomorrow, the Winchesters should be heading back to the bunker to continue hunting. 

“So, what’s it going to be, Castiel? Your life, or theirs?” 

Castiel hung his head in sorrow. This was the only way to protect the Winchesters. The second he flew off, the demon would alert his buddies and they would attack them. He only said there were twelve watching the brothers, but they could call some friends and they would be fighting an army. He had to protect them. The world needs the Winchesters. He needs the Winchesters, but the Winchester do not need him. They could find someone else to protect them when they go in over their heads. He is just a soldier to them, following orders. The world does not need Castiel. The world needs the Winchesters. They will probably just forget about the angel that protected them. They wouldn’t think twice about him not coming to their call. They would not ever think of him again. They wouldn’t know how Castiel laid down his life for the brothers. But the world needs to be saved, so Castiel would have to accept the fact that he will never see the Winchester brothers again.

Castiel dropped his blade in front of the demon and held out his hands in surrender. “Ok. I agree. Kill me, but leave the Winchesters alone.” Castiel closed his eyes and prepared for the inevitable, an angel blade, his angel blade, to the heart. 

Castiel waited, but nothing happened. He opened his eyes and the demon was just standing there. 

“Oh! You thought this was going to be easy?” As soon as he said this, another demon appeared next to Castiel with a syringe filled with blood, and she stabbed his neck with it, injected the blood, and disappeared. “I injected you with the blood of a demon, my blood actually, but this blood is cursed. But don’t worry, we used an Enochian spell. You will not feel the effects of this spell right away. It will take a few days before you start to feel it. Your wings will feel heavy and you will not be able to fly. You will start to feel tired and hungry. Then, you will start to feel your grace dying away, being eaten by the spell. You will feel cold and empty inside. After those few days, I’d say about three, are over, you will start to feel pain. Not just any pain, pain everywhere your grace has touched. So, basically your entire body will be in agonizing pain, but it will start with an ache. By the end of the week, you will be begging for death. If you haven’t already killed yourself, your brain will shut down from the pain, and you will die. Any questions?” 

“What’s your name?” Castiel asked. He realized he had never asked his name before this ordeal happened.

“Lothaire. It was lovely meeting you, Castiel. Oh, and my condolences.” And with that, he was gone.

Castiel stood there, head hung in defeat and sorrow. He was going to die. There was no cure for enchanted demon blood. But maybe he deserved this after all the times he had let the Winchesters down. This could be his way to apologize to the Winchesters, or to make up for everything he did. The only thing that ran through his head was that he deserved this, and that he has about one week to live. He flew off to the bunker to wait for the Winchesters. They didn’t need to know what happened. They would just be angry at him and would kick him out. He would keep it a secret until they needed to know. Until then, he would act as if nothing happened. 

~0~

Sam and Dean arrive at the bunker the next day. Castiel was in the library waiting for them. As soon as he heard the front door open, Castiel jumped up and went to greet the Winchesters. 

“Cas!” Dean exclaimed when he saw the angel. 

“Hello, Dean. Sam. How was your trip to Sioux Falls?” Castiel asked.

“It was good, Cas. We really needed a vacation just to clear our mind a bit.” Sam said. It was then that Castiel noticed the bags the Winchesters were carrying.

“Here, let me help you with your bags.” Castiel reached to grab the grocery bags from Deans hand. 

“Nah, it’s fine, Cas. We picked up some beer and dinner on the way back. I’m going to go put these in the fridge. Sammy just put my bag on my bed.” Dean said as he walked toward the kitchen. Sam walked back to the dormitory area of the bunker, leaving Castiel standing by the stairs. 

A few minutes later, the brothers and the angel were sitting at the table drinking beers and telling Castiel everything about their trip. Castiel watched and listened to every detail, soaking in everything so he would not ever forget this moment. This is what he really enjoyed. Spending time with the Winchesters. He started to notice more things. He noticed how Sam’s hair moves when he laughs. He noticed how similar the two brothers are, yet also how drastically different they are. He looked into Dean’s beautiful mossy green eyes. They were the most beautiful eyes he has ever seen. He remembers those eyes when he first rescued him from hell. He loved those green eyes, but he knew Dean did not feel the same way. He would miss Dean’s smile, his laugh, all the things that make Dean Dean. He would miss the casset tapes in the Impala. Even though it was cramped, he would miss riding the Impala. He would miss watching Dean as he fixed her up and cared for the car. Of course, he never did this for long, or else Dean would find out Castiel’s feelings. Castiel would miss this day. This moment right now. But would the Winchesters? Would they even notice he was gone? 

~0~

Two days later, Castiel had started to feel his wings to grow heavy. His back started to ache from the weight of the two massive wings. He was constantly rolling his shoulders when he thought the brothers were not looking. He did not do a great job of hiding his discomfort, much to his dismay. 

“You ok, Cas?” the older Winchester walked into the living room and saw Castiel roll his shoulders. 

Castiel scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. “Yes. I am fine. Why?” 

“I’ve been seeing you roll your shoulders back like that all day long. Come on, what’s going on, Cas?” Dean said.

Castiel sighed. “It’s nothing, Dean. They are just a little bit uncomfortable right now, that is all.”

It was now Dean’s turn to be confused. “What’s bothering them?”

“I don’t know. It happens sometimes It’s no big deal, Dean.” Castiel explained, hoping Dean would drop the subject.

“Okay, as long as you’re ok?” Dean asked.

“Yes, Dean. I am fine.” Castiel lied, but was grateful Dean dropped the subject.

That night, after Sam and Dean had gone to sleep, Castiel’s eyelids started to feel heavy. He soon realized that this is what tired felt like. He needed to start getting some sleep. But he had to stay awake in case one of the brothers woke up and found him sleeping. Angels don’t sleep. Well, unless they are poisoned by enchanted demon blood. He decided he would just sit down on the couch and relax, but his aching back made it impossible to get comfortable. Soon, he got into a more comfortable position than the one he was in, and he tried to fight off sleep, but he lost the battle.

Sam was the first in the bunker to wake up the next morning. He walked to the kitchen, but stopped when he noticed a figure sleeping on the couch. Moving closer, he realized it was Castiel. Their angel, Castiel. Angels don’t sleep. 

“Cas?” Sam asked carefully.

Suddenly, Castiel shot up in the air as if he had never been asleep in the first place. He looked around and then locked eye contact with Sam for a second, before the angel dropped his gaze to the floor. “Good morning, Sam. Did you sleep well?”

“Did you?” Sam asked. “Dude, what’s going on? You were rolling your shoulders all day yesterday and now you are sleeping? You told us angels don’t sleep. What’s going on?”

“It is nothing of import.” With that, Castiel got up and walked to the bathroom to get away from Sam. While hiding in the bathroom, he noticed an unpleasant empty feeling in his stomach. He heard a grumble and he realized he was hungry. He realized that was going to be harder to hide from the Winchesters if his stomach was going to be so loud. Castiel came out of the bathroom and walked quietly to the kitchen. He listened for any sounds coming from the kitchen before he stepped in to grab food. It was silent. He creeped in and as soon as he started to grab an apple from the bowl on the counter, Dean walked in wearing his favorite gray robe over his pajamas. Castiel loved how comfortable Dean looked in that bathrobe. It reminded Castiel that Dean never had anything like that growing up, and that made the angel both sad and happy. Dean finally found a place to call home, it was just a shame it took too many years for him to find it. 

“Morning, Cas!” Dean greeted the angel with a smile. Before Castiel could respond, he heard the low rumble of his stomach growling. He hoped Dean hadn’t noticed it, but sadly, he did. “Cas, was that your stomach?” Dean’s smile dropped from his face, his tone more serious.

Castiel lowered his head. “Yes. It seems that I am hungry.” He couldn’t lie anymore. The Winchesters were smarter than that. If he lied, that would only anger him more. 

“Do you want to tell me why or are we playing the ‘i dont know why I’m sleeping, hungry, and in pain’ game?” Dean asked.

Castiel rolled his shoulders back and sighed. Sam told Dean about the sleeping. Of course. HIs wings were also becoming even heavier today. But he tomorrow he wouldn’t even feel them. They wouldn’t be there. Castiel would not be telling Dean what happened, yet, so instead he didn’t answer.

“That’s what I thought. I guess I will make you some eggs then since you won’t talk to us.” Dean said. He was annoyed that the angel wouldn’t talk to them and ask them for help. It was becoming obvious he needed help, but the angel was being ridiculous. Dean made eggs for him and Cas and they ate breakfast in silence. 

~0~

The next day, Cas woke up to a burning pain inside of him. It was so hot. It felt hotter than when he rescued Dean from hell. He twisted and writhed in pain, suppressing screams so as not to wake the Winchesters. After about fifteen minutes, the pain was gone, but it was replaced by a cold feeling. Normally, his grace would put off a warmth, and now that warmth wasn’t nearly as strong as it normally was. This cold feeling was also accompanied with an empty feeling, just like the demon had said. 

At breakfast with the brothers, the pain returned. He tried to hide it as best as he could, but he started sweating. Both of the Winchesters noticed this, and gave the other brother a look as if to say ‘should we ask’, but they didn’t say anything. Then, Castiel tried not to double over in pain and crawl into the fetal position. The pain was unbearable. That part the demon lied about, it didn’t come gradually. Suddenly, it was all too much and Castiel tried to get up from his seat to go into a different room and wait for the pain to subside, but once he was on two feet, he fell to the ground. The Winchester were by his side in an instant, yelling at him trying to get his attention, but it was to no avail. The pain seemed to grow and grow this time, and he could no longer suppress his screams. He screamed until his voice was hoarse and he could not scream anymore, he could only whimper. Once the pain subsided, he felt only a tiny spark of his grace. He felt empty and alone and cold. When he noticed the Winchesters starring at him, his heart dropped. They were going to ask about this and he would have to lie. 

“I’m sorry.” Castiel tried to get up, but was quickly pushed back down by the older brother. 

“Ok, no more games anymore, Castiel.” Dean used Castiel’s real name, not the shortened nickname he gave him, which made Castiel realize he was being serious. “What the hell is going on!” 

Castiel looked into Dean’s eyes, and then to Sam’s, then looked toward the ground. “It is nothing. I will be fine.” 

Dean was furious. “Damn it, Cas! No, you are not fine! Look at you! You were just screaming your lungs out in pain and then it just stopped as quickly as it started. Look at me, Cas!” Dean yelled, and Castiel looked into his eyes. “Cas, buddy, we’re your friends, and we just want to help you, but you need to tell us what is going on with you! You can’t leave us in the dark!” 

Castiel starred into Dean’s eyes. He couldn’t tell him, not yet. Soon, but not yet. So, he didn’t say a word. He only looked down in shame. He wanted so badly to tell them now and explain it now, but then he would have to see their reaction. Would they help him? Kick him to the street? Kill him themselves? He wouldn’t want to know. 

Dean threw his hands up in surrender. “Fine. Whatever man. You go deal with your shit by yourself. Sammy, let’s go. We need to make another grocery run. We didn’t grab enough for three mouths last time.” Dean stood up, grabbed his keys, and went to go wait in the car for Sam. Sam helped Castiel stand up, and gave him one last look of sympathy before he took off after Dean. 

~0~

Castiel stood outside today. Today was the day. He couldn’t take the pain anymore. He couldn’t hide from the Winchesters anymore. The note he had written was sitting on the table in the library. If the Winchesters even read it, it will explain everything to them. What had happened, why he did it, why he had to die, and his final farewell. He didn’t tell them where the body would be though. He didn’t want them to have to worry about him anymore. He walked away from the door to the bunker and into the forrest. He found a little clearing in there and he thought it was beautiful. He looked to see the sky and saw the gray clouds and heard the thunder. It was going to rain soon. 

He walked for what felt like hours, but was really like thirty minutes, but he took his time to get to the clearing. Never in his life did he ever get to ‘stop and smell the roses’, so he thought now would be a good time to try it. He rather enjoyed it. It was peaceful at the clearing. When he arrived, it started to drizzle. He found a tree with a very large base that he could lean against comfortably. There was nothing special about that tree, and nothing will ever become of that tree after Castiel dies. That tree would not be used to make an Ark to save Noah and his family. That tree would not be used as a trough for animals that would hold the baby Jesus. That tree would not be used as a torture device known as a cross, where Jesus had laid down his life for humanity. That tree would never have two lovers’ names carved in it. That tree will never be made into a coffin to hold a president, or even a small child, or a beloved granparent. That tree would never be thought of as an important tree. 

Castiel sat back and pulled out his angel blade. The rain on dripping onto his face masked the tears escaping his eyes. Castiel turned his angel blade around and before he stabbed himsef in the heart, he realized something. He didn’t deserve to die quick, not after everything he did throughout his life. He betrayed the Winchesters more than once and he was too much of a burden to them. He always tried to help, but always failed and got someone hurt in the process. He lowered his blade down to his stomach. He thought about all his memories, seeing the creation of the universe, hearing a baby’s first laugh, seeing his father’s creation. Humanity. If he were trying to make himself feel better, he would say he was dying to save humanity. But he didn’t think that because he deserved that. 

He then thought of his charge, Dean Winchester. The most handsome man in the history of the world. His toned body. His beautiful soul. But those eyes. Those eyes made him fall in love. Emeralds couldn’t compare to Dean’s eyes. The were the greenest green. They were so beautiful. The fact that he would never see those eyes again made Castiel cry. But he didn’t deserve to see those eyes again. He hurt Dean. He couldn’t live with hurting Dean. With that last thought, he dug his blade into his stomach. He wanted to die slow, so he didn’t pull the blade out. His vision started to blur and his eyelids became heavy, but this time not because he was sleepy, but because he was tired. Tired of living. “Goodbye, Dean.” The angel said as he closed his eyes.

~0~

“Cas?!” Dean yelled into the empty bunker. He knew something was wrong. He should have never left Castiel there to go get groceries. “Castiel!” He walked around until he stumbled into the library. 

“Dean, I’m sure he just went on a walk to clear his head.” Sam said walking into the library. Dean didn’t respond to him coming into the room and he moved next to Dean to find him reading a handwritten letter in beautiful cursive, the kind of perfect and beautiful writing an angel would have. Oh no. Dean had to sit down to finish reading it, and Sam looked around his shoulder and read the note. 

_Dear Dean and Sam,_

__

_Thank you both so much for everything you have done for me. I am sorry for being such a burden to you both. I am sorry for betraying you many times and hurting you. If you are even reading this, I will tell you what has been going on recently. While you were in Sioux Falls, I was watching humanity, like I always do, when I saw one demon by the name of Lothaire. I followed him into an alley, where he told me that he had 12 of his demons surrounding you, and all he had to say was the magic word and they would kill you. If I flew to you and tried to warn you, I still would’ve been too late. He told me they would kill you, or he could kill me. The world needs you more than it needs me. So, I agreed. He injected me with an enchanted demon blood of which there is no cure. It starts off slow and builds. It starts by making my wings heavy and useless, then I require sleep and food. Then, it eats at my grace until there is nothing but a small spark. That was what was causing me pain after breakfast. That was the last one. My grace is nothing but a spark. I feel cold and empty and in pain. If I don’t do this, I will live in so much pain until I die of it. This is the best option. I have picked a peaceful place to die. It is beautiful there. Don’t worry about my vessel, the place I picked to die has wildlife, so I will at least be of use to some hungry animal. I didn’t tell you any of this because I couldn’t bare to see your response. I didn’t want to risk my last memory of you two kicking me out._

__

_Sam, I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for all the fights you and Dean have had because of me. I am sorry for being a burden. Take care of Dean for me please. He means a lot to me. Thank you for being a great friend to me._

__

_Dean, I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused you. I want you to know that I love you. I always have and I always will. You were my light, Dean. You kept me going. Your wonderful eyes are a true gift from Heaven. I hope one day you will find the love of your life, like I have found mine. You mean the world to me. Go out there and protect humanity for me, please. I love you Dean Winchester._

__

_Though you may not read this letter, or you may find it repulsive and shred it, I want to say thank you, for everything. Go save the world._

__

_Sincerely,  
Castiel_

Sam looked up to see Dean with tears streaking his cheeks. Without words, he placed the note on the table and ran out of the bunker. Sam quickly turned around and ran after him. 

“Dean! Dean!” Sam called out.

“He’s got to be in the forrest. That’s the only place with wildlife.” After saying this, Dean opened the door to the bunker and ran as fast as he could to the forrest. As soon as he was in the forest, he called out to his best friend, hoping to catch him in time to save him. 

“CAS! CAS! CASTIEL!!!” Dean called out, with no response. He stopped dead in his tracks when he arrive at a clearing. At the other end of the clearing sat his angel, Castiel, wet and bloodied, with an angel blade sticking out of his stomach. “Cas.” Dean said, his face dropped as his heart shattered into a million pieces. He ran over to his angel and saw his eyes were closed. “Nononononono! Cas! Cas, please!” Dean cried. He gently slapped his angel’s face to try to get him to wake up, and after the third try, his angel’s crystal blue eyes opened. Dean looked into his angel’s eyes and noticed how foggy they looked. “Cas.” He said. Castiel looked Dean in the eyes, and a shocked emotion spread across his face. 

“…D-Dean?…” Castiel said, his voice just below a whisper. 

“Yeah, Cas, I’m here. I’m here.You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be fine.” Dean said. He looked down to inspect the wound. “Oh, God, Cas. What did you do?” Dean said, but not with anger in voice, but with compassion, with love. 

Castiel looked once again into Dean’s eyes and said, “Don’t worry, Dean. I don’t feel any pain. A little fall of rain can hardly hurt me now. You’re here, that’s all I need to know. And you will keep my safe, and you keep me close, and rain will help the flowers grow.” 

Dean looked around for anything to help him fix his beloved angel, but was devastated to only see his brother, Sam, standing off to the side. He didn’t even hear him come up. 

“You’re gonna be fine, Cas. Just don’t give up on me yet!” Dean plead.

“Dean…” Sam started. He knew Castiel was beyond saving at the point. His entire white button-up was soaked in blood. 

“No, Sam! He’ll make it!” Dean cried. A tear escaped Dean’s eye. “You’ll be fine, Cas.”

Castiel moved to be closer to Dean, and Dean moved closer to hold him. “Just hold me now, and let it be.” Castiel whispered, hoping not to be rejected now in his time of dying.

“I won’t leave you, Cas. I won’t leave, I promise.” Dean carefully started to rock back and forth as more tears poured onto his cheeks.

“The rain. It can’t hurt me now. It will wash away the past mistakes. You will keep me safe, and you will keep my close. I’ll sleep in your arms at last. Dean, being close to you, I’ve come home from so far, so don’t worry.” Castiel’s breathing was getting slower.

Dean realized he wasn’t going to be able to save his angel. “Sleep now, Cas. You won’t feel anymore pain. A little fall of rain can’t hurt you. I’m right here. I will stay, Cas. I’ll be right here. I won’t leave you.” 

Castiel was slipping away. “…and rain…” Castiel whispered.

Dean choked back, “and rain…”

Castiel smiled as he looked into the love of his life’s eyes one last time to see the same love pouring from Dean’s emerald eyes. “Will make the flowers…”

Dean look at his angel, his angel, the one he loved with all of his heart. “Will make the flowers…” Dean watched as his love’s eyes glazed over, and his life leave his body. “…grow.” Dean gripped Cas’s now limp body tightly. 

“I love you, Castiel,” Dean whispered too late.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I'm sorry. So, I'm thinking of possibly writing a second chapter but I don't know. What do you guys think? Comment if you think I should write a second chapter (the second chapter will be a bit happier than this chapter) or not! Love you guys!


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